The Dreammaster Blog

its been around 2 weeks since my birthday and I did have a great time.

the journey seemed a little to long as it was over 8hrs due to the type of ticket I had. When i arrived Hina (as im not calling him permantly) was late as usuall and i was greeted by his brother as usual and a new aquistion keith who didnt spent long with us but was all good to say the least. we got back to ryans flat and commenced the drinking session this continued pretty much all weekend also visiting hina’s mum she had made me a birthdya cake which was so lovely and we spent the evening while ryan and hina did the fireworks. all in all a great weekend.

Heading back it was lovely to travel with my hina hes actually a really good travel companion too, and eventually we arrived back in portsmouth and to my place moving him in offically. We celebrated this by a trip (on a sunday) to the guildhall walk and did a few pubs along there. he loved this and i certainly enjoyed having a few drinks with him in these various bars.

after this we headed home and snuggled up for the night. Since then hina has been looking for work and I myself have returned to work where all has roughly gone… ok here. Me and Hina have been taking walks on my days off and enjoying the parts of portsmouth hes not seen before and also as christmas is coming we have been enjoying portsmouths German market here again. I bought Hina a husky hat that suited him perfectly and now he sleeps with it while im not there awwww bless.

We still video link as often as we can and where possable so we never really miss each other that much. all in all i think things are flourishing between us.

There are a few worries in my head still. with christmas coming up wether we have enough money to get his and my family not only christmas presents but also the cost of travelling mine costs around £90.00. and his will be 113.50 so before we go anywhere in travel alone its going to cost £200.00 this worries me because we will then have limited funds for xmas for his family and also for mine. and of course this is all before we even  think about saving money for our move out to another new place for us both.

I think that part will have to wait until the new year then we really must save like never before. hina himself must also find work so im hoping that will come before the new year. but nothing is for certain so until then we will have to rely on my wages alone.

so thats everything up to date in this ratehr small post but as things become more exciting i will post more

 So…. Its the day before my birthday

Already having wished a few of my friends on facebook thier happy birthdays as there seems to be quite a few of us around this time with birthdays. (our parents must have been very busy in March hehe) .

I find myself realiseing that I am, Infact half way though my life now some would say this is call for reflection or its a down wards spiral now for the more pessermistic of us. i have indeed found myself reflecting on many things that have happend to be even before i started this blog. my childhood, my coming of age, My clubbing and the hard house scene and the tidy weekeneders (god rest thier souls) and more recently the last 5 years the friends i have made the chat room on camfrog and finally meeting my partner on that very program.

all small moments in a big life. Makes you think doesnt it. how all those little moments all amount up to a big thing in the end. Some have already relised this but i always think its a good self checking process if you reflect often on where you’ve been and where you see yourself in 5 years.

Things have gotton a lot better for me over these past few weeks and things going from strenth to strenth. Ant has now decided that he wants to move in with me which is amazing news. there are a few worries i have and i hope that i can solve these problems with no great weight on my mind. I ceritnaly am looking forward to travelling up there tomorrow, agreed it will take me 8 hours to get there but i know when i hold him in my arms again. I’ll feel alive once more. who could ask for a better birthdya present than that!!!

so with the big 35 on its way like a steam train though a tunnel where do i see my future? well. it seems that a new place to live is definatly on the cards and i really do want to move to a flat now i feel ready. Ant is waaay to over exicted about moving down here an truly experencing everythign the south has to offer as he always hated barrow-in-furness where he comes from. I see us moving out into our little flat and really becoming a HOMEMAKER wow that sounds funny when i say it like that. but its truly what im realy for now I’ve got to a stage in my life where i really think im ready to settle down all be it a bit later on my life but i’m ready!! and i think thats what matters. All to soon do i hear couples becoming the princely age of 18 and there already got children and moving into a house. shocking!!! but i’m glad i waited till now. The next few months (especally christmas) is going to be nothing short of financally hard but love will win though and i feel it in my heart that I can do this if we really work together and our love will quite litreally build a home.

I’m not without my nerves about all this even Ant himself has said hes very nervious about all this but really wants to go all out and do this. Even recently I spent a 2 hours skype converstation with his Mother telling her how i wont let her or her family down by looking after Ant and making sure he has everything he need, its at this point i feel very lucky to have him not only does it give me purpose again in life to look after him but also hes one hell of a good looking guy hehe.

A few days ago we were also discussing what to do over the xmas period and he would like to see his family and i always see mine, witg this and conversations with my family too were hoping to have him go see his family and then he finally meet mine over one of the days over the xmas period .. finacess permitting.

WELL…. its with this poist i leave with a happy skipping heart really excited about seeing him again.. i cant wait

so since my last post things in my life have taken somewhat of a dive in these past few weeks and had left me feeling sad with no where to turn and at one point i even broke down crying.

No this isn’t to say I’m not sensitive to others needs, far from it in-fact I think that was my downfall and as always when I get into ruts like this I always extent my emotional tendrils and take solace in other around me, In-fact I usually being me make it very known to others around me. Its after this (now) i take time and reflect on those that have helped me and certain work colleges really have been their weight in gold. Their advice and just being there for a hug weither that be on the phone skype or in person. Even my new man has lent an ear by listening to my mindless drivel these last few weeks and how its got me down.

Fortunatly even though you cant see it at the time THERE IS light at the end of a long tunnel and after my massive emotional outburst im back on ground zero and ready to fight the world again. One of my colleges also rightfully pointed out that I was missing my hunny. Yes i am. but the thought of me visiting him again around my birthday on the 3rd November has most certianly keeping me going but who knows after that as theres xmas to think about. there is talk however of him wishing to move in with me. but that will but some heavey financial restraints on me espcally right now in this REALLY hard time of monies.. i have to say even I am really feeling the pinch and realising my money doesnt go as far as it used to as everyone wants that little bit more of my money each month, I guess this too has added to my feeling of depression these last few weeks asn anyone who knows me knows im usually a happy and chirpy person.

Although its still there in the back of my mind I find myself fighting against it and witht he help of those around me I feel like ive creeped back the the level of sanity and it seems that even oother parts of my life have well and truly given me a break for the time being - till im back on my feet fully.

I know over the next 3 weeks the pressure will be on for me to really make a stand for myself and show certian people I can stand up and run things perfectly.It worries me a little but also if i can show my peers what i can do on my own maybe it will help with more things in the future.

so what now..

I feel I must make a stand emotionally now as ive been weak i must appear strong again not just for me but for those who i know and relay on me again espcally in these hard times. my energies must be focused on work and my thoughts on the lovely things going to happen when i see my partner in the first week on november and belive me i reallyAM looking forward to that *sniggers*

So here i stand what seems like the starting line again… ive taken things slow to re-build myself and dealt with each thing slowly and have cought up with myself. and re-kindled each thing one by one so i just wait now untill the next exciting installment happens in my life which i think will be my travelling again. up to see my hunny.

so I close this short post just to bring you up to date on teh last few weeks. Things are getting better day by day i just hope my birthday is just as fabulous with my hunny xx

I guess life is full of joyious and sad moments in which the contrast of each makes us both question and define ourselfs and our whole lifes set in front of us.

I feel regreatfull pained by the fact in the 3 weeks Ant was with me i didnt spend more time with him but thankfully having an understanding boyfriends he was very kind to be and was not angery or upset that my work commitments took over for some of the time he spent with me.

On the day of his arrival we skyped as i was up at the ungodly hour of 6am and he had just finished work and had only a few hours sleep we video chatted for the hour and a half before his train was due. before we knew it it was time for him to leave for the train …… we switched to phone as i have LOADS of free minutes each month. i heard him talk to to ticket office and head stright for the platform to take him to his first change in Lancaster. chatting about nothing really but how each bit was going then his train came and he was on his way with a long 8 hour train journey ahead of him. as many people know trains phone signal is unpredictable and went off and on quite a lot and i left him to it docking into lancaster for a few hours until he reached London Euston.

There i directed him to the tube station and gave him the directions to waterloo and his final 2 hours train ride right into my arms … the phone went dead as he took the plunge in the tube for the first time in his life…(im old hat at london tube and know it so well i can direct anyone via phone only to any station lol) after the phone went dead i closed my eyes tight and wished him luck and hoped he didnt mess up my directions. I waited around 20mins and called his phone.. stright to voicemail. hmmm is he ok…? has he got lost on the mass network of junctions and colour coded pathways. i tried again.. this time.. RING RING… oh thank god!!. He picked up “hello hunny” I massive sigh of relif came over me. im in the underground part at waterloo… YAY!! i knew exactly where he was standing when he got my call and he told me he was heading on those famous esculators that i knew so well.

Almost as soon as he arrived he found his correct train to me and was on it. I felt a little jitter of happyness as he settled in the car bringing him to my waiting arm.. knowing thisn knowlege now i knew tehre was no going back, he was definatly coming now.

I prepare myself and tidy teh last bits of my flat to prepare for his arrival after getting stuck in i notice the time.. MY god hes gonna be here in 30 mins!! this is also the amount fo time it takes me to walk to the station.. so.. I do a last quick self check making sure i look pretty good for him in my mirror and head out the door with a little spring in my step .

At the station I check the arrival trains and take a rough guess as to which one would be his anoy one of 3 in this case I haplessly expect him on the first one i judge .. but no… the second then … just then it turns 5pm and all the ticket gates automatically open and the staff go off duty… WHOOP!! i head upstairs in time for the second train… it arrives i watch as everyone leaves.. but still no Hina  where is he? i head back down and lookn again at teh arrival board i see there is one more train. I choose to stay where i am i dont want him missing me at all. The final train arrives and i waot…. paitently …. just then at the bottom of the stairs i see a small statured shape of my hunny.. I smile from ear to ear!! i know its HIM!!!

I wait as he walks towards the barrier and i meet him at the exact point of the barrier and sandwich myself in the very barrier that he is walking though grab hold of him… and without a care of who is watching at the station … our arms wrap around each other and we gentially kiss… i felt every energy i had in me flow though us both.. like it was supposed to be this way or like a massive event of a lunching ship exilleration flowing though me.. i was so happy he was finally here…. the poor boy was gagging for a cigarette so we head outside and have our first proper chat face to face… I coudltnt ake my eyes of him… it was real… he was actually here… ohh how happy i was…

Ihad saved enough money so that after our cigaretty we could head back to my place by taxi and as i also had work looming  so couldnt spaer a lot of time.. I got him back to mine made him very comfortable and told him i dont mind if he looks though my stuff whats mine is his after all.

I head to work for the night and head back in the morning he was already up and half naked in my bed.. and to lay my eyes on that beauty did funny things to me. hehe… we chatted and drank coffee etc and it seemed he really had loooked though all my stuff not that i minded of course and i promised to show him all that portsmouth had to offer. So once he clothed himself we headed to the sea front sohe could look around there then later to HB our local gay pub we have here.

He seemed to enjoy his day and we headed back to the flat after a few cuddles etc I headed back to work. i popped home each day to see him before he asked me for the keys so he could pop out when he liked before i knwe it it was the weekend and i had a saturday off. Garychav called and asked what i was doing and i told him about my man being over almost with some excitement he asked to come round… of course gary im sure Ant would love to meet you.. when he arrived he arrived with another one of my good friends eddie who i stall class as a chav also. he had brought round some alcahol and intorduced themselfs to my new man. before to long they asked if we should go to the barn a local alternative venue here which i had promised i would take Ant too. I stated to gary that we were rather skint so going there wasnt possable. before i could finish the sentance Edd piped up and said that he would buy us a few drinks. no i know Edd pretty well and for him to do this was really lovely and still shocks me to this day. we headed on our long walk to the barn and once there we do our usuall socialiseing intoducing Ant to the people i knew there. Ant seemed to have a good time socialisieng with all of us and edd had previously thrust me £10.00 so that we could pay our entry… once there we didnt have to pay entry and we walked stait in edd said we could use teh money for drinks for us.. which again i thought was lovely of him we got drinks danced and socialised the night away. Ant found a blonde rock guy and chatted to him most of the night and i found an irish girl which was fun chatting to her.

before we knew it our night was over and a very pleasent bar lady apprached me and Ant cuddling and said it was tome to go… i thanksed her for a loverly night and we headed home holding hands. Ant seemed to happy as we walked home i knew he had a good night i did too. walking home we suffered the usuall obsenities from the younger public about us holding hands but a few quick fire remarks from me put pay to anything they had in thier tiny brains to make us think lesser of ourselfs .. it wasnt going to dampen our night as we were sooo happy.

after a nice long walk Ant was so cuddly so i gave him nots of cuddles and we settled down for the night really happy and content we had a good night out and he had wanted to see the barn and got his wish.

The following day we woke and chatted a bit and headed out too palmaston road looked in a few shops and of course cliars accessories a fave of his i have now discovered too. I didnt know this at teh time but he had bought somethign for me. he came to me and showed me that he had bought me a little rainbow tailed bush baby keyring teddy and a very special rainbow 2 heart neacklace that he would wear one half and i the other…. WOW!! i was nearly in tears. No one from my realationships have ever bought me ANYTHING just becuse they could let alone to express love for me. I was touched beyond belief and he put on my necklace for me and gave me my teddy. he told me its now MINI ME meaning that i must carrry it with me always.. and as i write this post both the teddy and necklace is on and attacehed to me. 

WIth happyness we walked into the town centre and i showed him the water fountain and the shops around commercial road and pretty much the way there too. i found out much later that he really loved the fountain we had there and it was a meeting point for when i finsihed at 10pm one evening.

over the next 2 weeks i show him victoria park. gunwharf, old portsmouth and lots of other bits of portsmouth never seen by the avrage tourest he loved victoria park and later went back to litrally playon the playground there LOL!!

we had romantic walks even down a very precarious hill near milenium walk that nearly killed me we just laughed at that as i was petrified more visits to HB ( we loved that place) and so many other wonderful memories to hold and keep forever…

but far to quicky it was all coming to an end and our final day together, I had to work teh night before so only had a few hours with him ..he was very sweet and met me from work so i had that extra time with him we walked back and packed his bags and him bascally takling half my flat with him.. he joked with some seriousness that he wished to take me with him in his suitcase… ohh how i wished i could go…. we packed his stuff and headed to the station. we smoked our last cig togehter and it was time..

I hugged and kissed him at the barriers. I could feel myself filling up with tears and demanded he go quickly…im glad people listen to me at this point.. and he headed off.. though the barriers then……

gone….

i wiped my eyes leaving the station and carried a heavy heart to work that day… that god work was really busy so much that it didnt give me much time to somewhate grive.. but i did send a few text messages as i left the station and at work to tell him i loved and missed him.

its been a week since he went and weve been in video chat everyday on skype.. today is the first day ive not seen him technicallly due to tasks he has to do around the house and work later tonight….*sigh*

it will be my birthday now in november when i get to kiss and hold him again… i cant wait it cant come soon enough.. im sure he thinks im going on to much about it all the time…. but i wander if he truly knows how much he means to me….

love you hunny…. always and forever xxx

isn’t it funny…. don’t you think.. when someone comes to visit your place and you get this amazing sense of comfort .

Your happy that they have come and everything they say and do just feels right……

OK so i start this post like this because Today for me was a very special day. In a previous post as I’m sure your aware I mentioned that i visited Anthony and had a wonderful weekend. Well since then we have been talking in video link via skype and various other mediums that we use almost every night. I felt us becoming closer more knowledgeable about each other and of course better then anything more open… When we wern’t on video link we were on the phone talking about nothing but still a sense of togetherness.

After recent events with me, I didnt think anything like this would happen again or at least… not for some time. In our chats we talked about him visiting and of course he tells me he has some holiday times owed by his work. He immediately suggests that he Really wants to spend all this time with me. How long for? I ask. 2 weeks he says but when we look closer at the dates of his works it turns out that its more like 20 days he will be spending with me. So we book the tickets arrange his travel…..

And today… he arrives…

Well knowing that his coming in the first place as filled me full of excitement and quite a bit of nervousness, which in turn as surprised me especially as those that know me well know that I’m quite in “in your face” kinda guy LOL! So I wake up at around 7am this morning which is a little late for me but Anthony has been working all night at his bar and had been home for a few hours, but as soon as i woke up this morning a started a video link call to him and he answered strait away bless him. We then spend the next 3 or 4 hours chatting until he had to leave the the train station and even then we were on the phone for as long as we could be ..bar the cut offs due to the signal whilst travelling.

Eventually after him worrying about the tube transfer in London he made it onto the correct portsmouth train and arrived at the station a  little late but when I saw him.. he just look exausted but… ohhhhh so cute….. I ran up to him right between the ticket barriers that were open by this time, wrapped my arms around him and we immediatly kissed not caring who was watching or who saw. it was perfect all over again and i felt a little jump on my stomach. I know then it was perfect.

I, a few seconds later I looked at the time and we both knew I had work in less than in hour we went outside had a quick cigarette and i hailed a taxi to take us to my place, in the taxi we took each others hand and looked at each other not exchanging any words just looks of “i’m so happy your here” and both of us just knew. once there I got him upstairs and showed him around (not that theres much to show, LOL). And before i knew it we were just cuddling and so happy to be in each others arms again, its funny how things just so simple as that just make you feel happy about yourself or just plain comfortable.

I set up his computer hooked it up to my network and showed him how to use the network storage so he could listen to all the mass amount of music i have in my collection or even browse the photos ive collected over the years and then it seemed time has gone so quick no sooner as hed arrived and settled in it was time for me to leave for work.

My Manager has been very understanding about my partner coming down and has tried so hard at this difficult time to let me spend more time with Anthony but with things going a bit crazy there right now I had to go in and do my shifts to help out.. not that i mind at all. it was just hard leaving Anthony there for his first night. i will be able to spend daytime hours with him though which will be lovely and i cant wait

….HAHA looking back at this post I realise it reads like an old romance novel. It makes be chuckle a little as i finish writing it but i have to admit i do feel good about this. Hell… I know its gonna be hard to see him go back on the 24th then its my turn to visit there..

WOW!!… what a weekend

I didnt think i was actually going to love it as much as i did but hell i was glad i made the trip.

After an entire day listen to my friend Disco-Duck go on and on and on about wanting me to come to Doncaster I finally gave in. “OH FOR GOD SAKE! OK!!” my he does go on!! I hadn’t got much money so how was i to get up there… YES the bloody Peasent Wagon … ohhhhh how i lothe coaches and purly because they always pack them in tight and always take so long and at teh end of the journey im left feeling irratable tired and feeling like and old age pentioner but be that as it may he booked my tickets and send the details and I was finally going to doncaster pride this better be good I thought………..

After Packing everything a few days before as im always pretty prepared for these things I bring my suitcase to work as usual and the following day i head out the first part was never that bad as i had a train from portamouth to london.. but from london I had to get to victoria and on the coach to sheffied meadow hall. eurgh!!

After a very long journey feeling very tired I fall off the bus and after a quick ciggy head over to the train station over the bridge to get me to where im going… a 45MIN wait!! ohhh lordy.. just what i wanted but waited anyway and had more cigarettes to pass the time. looking around me i notice something really odd.. its around 9pm in the evening and every person around appeared to be under 18 really wierd that. And there was lots of them.. ok i wont deny this filled me will a little worry on the platform but nothing really happened as i got onto the train in headed to elsecar.

At my destination i head to the duck nest as ive lovingly come to call it and pidge welcomes me and showes me the usuall lovely duck hospitalilty apprently ducky is DJ’ing at a pub tonight and one of our users of her room Antoine or DAV as we have called him due to him coming from wales was waiting for us.

We headed there and duckey was at the DJ box as usuall and Dav came out to meet us as he had been wanting to meet me for some time what a lovely character and always exactly like on cam.. i love users like that. Little did i know it but mine and davs little meet was to spell out the entire weekend of meeting people.. of course i knew i was meeting some from my room but others suprised me.

The night was in full swing and i had orderd my next drinks and was quite on my way dancing away to the music and popping outside for teh odd ciggy. on the dance floor dav was getting more and more and more drunk not that i noticed because i was just drinking normally. with our dancing some young local lads decided that they indeed liked the fact we were gay and one really cute guy in particular decided to get his arse out and be proceeded to pull down he tight fitting jeans and prodice a VERY cute bum. Then he approched me in reverse if course and started to waggle his bum infront of my cock.. well. far be it from me not to take advantage if a good situation. and grabbed his arse each side and pulled it towards my (obvioulsy coverd) cock and danced as if i was penitrating him. His friend who seemed to like the idea decided to turn it into a mini- orgy and stand in-front of his friend and grab hold of his head and ram it into his crotch at the time. thus crating a sort of sexual conga or mini-orgy. LOL it was funny. 

The night continued and the more drunk i get the better i become with my humor and we managed to find 2 girls and her boyfriend who while we were talking heard my usuall jokes and whit and decided to join us for the rest for the night. Dav who by this time was VERY pissed joined me in this endevour and for the rest of the eveing we laughed and joked with these gild and boyfriend who thought we were fabulous!!. but all good things mus come to an en and ducky finieshed and we headed back home.. Dav ran upstairs and was sick and i stayed up till 4am with ducky taling absolute bollocks!! LOL!!

the follow day was Pride Day and i wanted to be up really early to get to doncaster as early as possable so i was up at 7am and ready by 9 and dav was readying himself we left the house just fore 10 and got to Doncaster for atound 11am. outside Doncaster train station I looked at this place quite busy yet desolate..,.”RIGHT!! I need a drink” I cry. and we start our walk into the town centre to find a pub… it wasnt long until we found “The Plough” … ohhh how approrate i thought haha and announced it to dav and ducky lol. we headed there for a drink and all bought one then headed into the centre to wait for Smiler who would be joining us.. it wasnt long before he turned up and he showed us where crystals was the local gay pub which was in full swing when we arrived we orderd drinks and settled then our people started to join us first phil (who i didnt expect them gobby (my sister in gobbyness) then lewis chav boy and finally to crown my day KEV and his girlfriend emma. no just reccently a like teh day before i swore to kev i would snog him and have a picture taken true ro my work i shoed someone how to work my camera and i grabbed hold of kev and snog his face off!! fiunally!! i had been waiting to do that for a long time!!.. emma just laughed as hard as she could and our day was well and truely off with an amzing start .. meeting all my camfrog people seemed truly amazing and im really glad i met then all. more anticks happend photos taken and finally it was time for the announcement and walk of unity.

The compare thanks a few people and charitys and invited everyone to come down and join them however this just seemed to be not heard by people and we shuffled about and with out even knowing I ended up at the head of the parade just behand the leading car.. how the hell did that happen well hell… i wasnt going to leave this opportunity with out some fun! and so i started to strut and make funny remarks to everyone around me baring in mind i was preatty drunk by this time we walked from street to street and pride flag were flying everywhere .. I loved it and was in my element as yet many more cameras were out taking photos of me for those who wanted to remeber this parade i hugged people a screamed funny things at others which only servied to get me more liked and notied ohhh im such the attention seeker!!. kev phil ducky and all my friends were right there with me enjoying the walk of untiy with me. finally it came to a halt just at an intersection and we despeursed. near me was KEV and emma and phil.. and kev and emma very kindaly offered us a place in thier car to take us to the staduims grounds where the pride event actually was.

After a short journey and us stopping just before at a shop to buy gay supplies and dressing kev up in pink boas etc (which he appeard to love) we headed to the stadium and headed for the entrance thank god previously we bought our bracelets for entry and we were just waved in and headed for the bar met up with lewis and gobby sis and just let ourselfs go.. it was like a festival with stalls and fair ground rides everywhere lots to see and do and plenty of alcahol to flow. we saw live acts and a few tributes and i vertually molested one of emi-primes band members chirs as he was quite fit lol. and we spent the day singing drinking looking at the stalls all with lots of friends that i loved.. truly an amazing day gobby sis got me on the last bus and took me to the train station i found my way back to elsecar and exausted as i was i went strait to bed with happy buzzing of memories of pride.

The following day it was time to leave Don got me to teh bus station and before i knew it was was on the bus home.. the journey was long and boring but i did arrive back in portsmouth for around 2 giving me plenty of time to head to work and set up there.

a few days later….

we all met up back in my chat room again. it seemed to funny after us all meeting that we were all behind a computer screen again kev promised to send us photos and gobby found a photo of me and others int he local doncaster press!! woo i was soo pleased i made the paper gobby has got me a copy which i shall put up ina  a mass collage phot fram of the amazing pride day i met some truly amazing characters from my chat room

if you guys are reading this… thanks a million you guys are the best! and really made my weekend even though it was short.. we really should meet up more often

So….

With the start of new things some old things have to be left behind… doors close, new pathways formed and new discoverys to be made..

Forgive me to start of this new blog with something so philisophical but i felt it was necessary as that is exactly what has happend in these last 2 months and my starting theme of my site here shows just that black with just an essanse of colour. Things wiped clean and gotton rid of much like my old blog site and some people i no longer care to assocate with who ment a great deal to me at the tim, there is usually a sence if dark voided blackness which i had felt for some time.

but still even though blackness surrounds you there are still thin lines of colour, after all if there was no disaster you would certianly not know where the good things come from. a good contrast to start off with i think.

Some weeks ago this exact thing happend to me.. I was forced to close contact with a Man i thought was close and care’d about me and in that same week my old blogging site was deleted due to me writing an un-acceptable code for it work was bad becuse i had a lot on my mind and life was just plain slow and pointless. I’m sure many go though this low ebb in life at points in thier life but i felt like i was nothing more than a biological machiene with not much purpose in life and that i did have purpose for i was REALLY CRAP at doing…All in all i wasnt good…

This is why i have decided to start if this blog with a basic theme that reflects my feelings over the last few weeks.

There has however been one thing that has truly lifted my spirits of late. Some months before I admitted to one of my friends on my video chat program CAMFROG, that i really liked him and since that time he had been begging me to come visit him, well.. of course in the months that that we had been talking I liked him.. but didnt have “feelings” for him… well last weekend i finally decided to take the plunge and visit him… WOW!! was i suprised!

When I arrived at my destination in barrow in furness i was given a resounding welcome was shown a lot of love and felt loved and that i really belonged in his family. the entire weekend (althought very quick) was filled full of love devotion and attention from him. Every moment we spent togheter was romatic loving and full of fun in the most exicting of ways. I couldnt help but forget all about the evilness that had happen to me, and each time my eyes met his its like they were mini vortex’s sucking away and destroying any bad feeling i had.. for the first time in WEEKS i felt happy!!!

The weekend was over far to quickly and as we said good buy to each other on the platform as i headed back home. I watched him sit there … sad… lost .. and alone… I looked though the window and in a non-verbal look told him it wouldnt be long till he saw me again… even if it was just by video link.. we still talk a lot now and were making plans for him to visit in September all being well…

so I guess this is proof that when you think everything you know is lost there are those little strips of colour that come into your life to make you belive that life is worth living again.

So.. it is with that i close the first post and the hope of many more with a special thanks to Anthony… you’ll really never know how happy you made me last weekend……..

Thank you.    x